Sorry I haven't posted an update until now. I was actually holding out hope that the stark white line would change. It didn't, so it's official: IVF#2=BFFN (you can guess what the additional "F" stands for). I hate to fail. I am not accustomed to doing that ever in my life. That is, until I inherited this IF diagnosis. I hate being a failure. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate failing. Period.
So, today I am numb and bitter. Again. I've shed my tears over the past couple of days and I'm sure I'll shed more. Even though I never felt "pregnant" at any point in this 2ww and had prepared myself much more than the last time for a failure, it still hurts. I won't lie. And while I feel sad about this failure, I also have a new feeling I haven't felt before until now: fear.
I fear that I may never see 2 lines on a HPT, may never obtain a pregnancy, may never see a fetal heartbeat, may never feel my baby kick inside me, may never go through a delivery, and essentially that we may never be able to conceive a biological child. I naively thought that IVF would work. But after 2 failures, I've got to realize that it may never work. And, I'll have to be okay with that. In my own time and in my own way.
I will schedule a WTF appointment with Dr. A and officially fire him and IRH as my healthcare providers for all things IF. He won't shed any light onto the reasons as to why the cycles keep failing. He is such a sham.
We have a next step: Steve and I will be consulting with Dr. Schoolcraft from Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM) on June 10. I set the appt. up yesterday. It's an initial phone consult, which will be followed by extensive testing beginning around the first of July in Denver. CCRM is one of the top, if not the top, fertility center in the country. Here is their web link if you want to learn more: http://www.colocrm.com/. If we are accepted by the clinic (which I won't know for sure until our phone consult and then won't know more until July after our 1 day testing), then this will be our last shot at a biological child. That's why we're going to CCRM and not wasting any more time. We need answers and they will provide them. Good or bad. If we are able to cycle with them, my best guess is the earliest we would have a chance for an ET would be Nov. And that puts us at the end of this year to find out whether it worked. So, a very long process of lots of testing followed by lots of waiting. Not very exciting.
In the meantime, we are headed to Chicago this weekend for Memorial Day. It will be nice to get away, however brief the vacation. Finally, I just can't wait for AF to arrive (I'm being sarcastic). I've already been having horrible cramps. So, not only do you have no baby to show for it, but post IVF AF is the worst possible period you can possibly imagine ever going through. It really does suck.
I may not be blogging as much as I usually do. I'm just taking some time to myself over these next several months. Of course, I can be reached via email or phone. Thanks to all of you for your support. We so wished the outcome would've been different.
Crispy Roasted Chickpeas
3 weeks ago