Tuesday, May 20, 2008

It's over. IVF#2: Failed.

Sorry I haven't posted an update until now. I was actually holding out hope that the stark white line would change. It didn't, so it's official: IVF#2=BFFN (you can guess what the additional "F" stands for). I hate to fail. I am not accustomed to doing that ever in my life. That is, until I inherited this IF diagnosis. I hate being a failure. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate failing. Period.

So, today I am numb and bitter. Again. I've shed my tears over the past couple of days and I'm sure I'll shed more. Even though I never felt "pregnant" at any point in this 2ww and had prepared myself much more than the last time for a failure, it still hurts. I won't lie. And while I feel sad about this failure, I also have a new feeling I haven't felt before until now: fear.

I fear that I may never see 2 lines on a HPT, may never obtain a pregnancy, may never see a fetal heartbeat, may never feel my baby kick inside me, may never go through a delivery, and essentially that we may never be able to conceive a biological child. I naively thought that IVF would work. But after 2 failures, I've got to realize that it may never work. And, I'll have to be okay with that. In my own time and in my own way.

I will schedule a WTF appointment with Dr. A and officially fire him and IRH as my healthcare providers for all things IF. He won't shed any light onto the reasons as to why the cycles keep failing. He is such a sham.

We have a next step: Steve and I will be consulting with Dr. Schoolcraft from Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM) on June 10. I set the appt. up yesterday. It's an initial phone consult, which will be followed by extensive testing beginning around the first of July in Denver. CCRM is one of the top, if not the top, fertility center in the country. Here is their web link if you want to learn more: http://www.colocrm.com/. If we are accepted by the clinic (which I won't know for sure until our phone consult and then won't know more until July after our 1 day testing), then this will be our last shot at a biological child. That's why we're going to CCRM and not wasting any more time. We need answers and they will provide them. Good or bad. If we are able to cycle with them, my best guess is the earliest we would have a chance for an ET would be Nov. And that puts us at the end of this year to find out whether it worked. So, a very long process of lots of testing followed by lots of waiting. Not very exciting.

In the meantime, we are headed to Chicago this weekend for Memorial Day. It will be nice to get away, however brief the vacation. Finally, I just can't wait for AF to arrive (I'm being sarcastic). I've already been having horrible cramps. So, not only do you have no baby to show for it, but post IVF AF is the worst possible period you can possibly imagine ever going through. It really does suck.

I may not be blogging as much as I usually do. I'm just taking some time to myself over these next several months. Of course, I can be reached via email or phone. Thanks to all of you for your support. We so wished the outcome would've been different.

20 comments:

Christi said...

I'm so incredibly sorry that this didn't work out !!! It's so hard to comprehend and understand. I can only pray that you find the answers that you need to make the right decisions. I'm always here if you need anything!! Please take care of yourself and take this time to get back the part of you that's been lost in all of this. That's what's helped me a bit. huge HUGS!!

Jill said...

Jill, I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself. I hope that CCRM gives you some answers. (((HUGS)))

sarah23 said...

Oh, UGH! I am SO sorry to read this.

I have heard of CCRM before and it sounds like a lot of people have success there.

<<((HUGS))>>

Emily said...

I am so sorry hon! The fear creeping in is a scary phase - I am right there with you. Congrats to you for being so proactive. Enjoy Chicago this weekend - I see some retail therapy in your future:) Let's definately keep in touch! HUGS

Jen said...

Gosh, I am so so so very sorry for all you've been through. I really hope CCRM is able to provide the answers you seek. I don't blame you for wanting to go to "the best". I hear nothing but the best about them.
Meantime.... I'll be around, reading your blog and praying for great things for you. HUGS.

Jen said...

Jill. I don't even know what to say.
I'm heart broken for you, and I hope that you'll find some real answers with your new RE.

I wish you all the very very best, and I know you need a break, but make sure to check in.

M. said...

I'm really, terribly sorry, Jill. I'm going to miss reading your posts-- you have such a fantastic sense of humor and warmth about this whole crappy, shitty thing. I feel awful for what's happening to you right now, but at the same time, so happy that you guys already have your next steps planned. A very Jill thing to do :) I will pray for you guys and keep you in my thoughts over the next few months. Write us a note once in awhile so we know you're ok :)

tryingtoconceive said...

I'm so sorry for you. So sad that this IVF cycle did not result in the child you so desperately want. Your grief must be oppressive right now, but I hope, when you feel up to it, that you will continue to share your journey with us.

Busted said...

I'm SO sorry. This sucks. Take as much time as you need to yourself. We'll all be here to listen whenever you're ready. (((HUGS))).

Suzanne said...

I am so sorry to hear that. It totally sucks.

I hope CCRM provides better bedside manners than the other doc. I wish you the best of luck in your future attempts.

Ariella said...

I am so saddened that it didn't work. Please don't feel bad about taking time off of bogging to take care of yourself. You need to be your first priority.

I do hope that CCRM can shed some light on what is going on and what can be done better next time for a diffrent outcome. I think switching clinics is a great idea, and like you said CCRM is one of the best if not best IVF clinic in this country.

Wishing you the best and only the best. ((((HUGS))))))

t.bird said...

i'm sorry- 1 failed IVF is hard enough- i can't imagine 2. IF really takes it out of you- this is so un-fair. i'm so sorry.
and i agree- i started AF with a vengence this morning- i am seriously dying. i just want to curl up in a ball & stay there.
<3

photokat said...

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time, honey. I feel your pain, having children is one of life's most precious joys. You are an amazing young woman and I have always been so proud of you,Jill. You will make an amazing mother so hang in there and don't give up. There's still alot you can do! I love you, "Aunt Kathy".

JJ said...

Jill, my heart is aching for you...I wish I knew how to make you feel comforted-I hope you will feel the love and prayers that this community is sending your way.
I hope you all enjoy your weekend away...thinking of you both as you heal.

Blue said...

Jill - I'm so very sorry to hear your news, I know you must be feeling so hurt/scared at the moment. CCRM sounds amazing from what I've read, I hope they are able to shed some light and give you some hope back. I too got a bfn on IVF this week, so I feel some of the fear that you are going through. Wishing you all the luck...

Katie said...

So sorry. I have heard awesome things about CCRM, and I think it makes good sense to consult with them. Take care of yourself!!!!

Kristen said...

I'm so sorry Jill! I just now got around to reading your blog entry, and I was completely hoping for better news for you. You and your DH will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Pink-CJ said...

I am so so sorry, Jill, that this one didn't work out. I was so praying for you b/c I knew you were only 5 days behind me remember? Don't give up and take care of yourself.
Smooches, Pink

Michelle & Gary said...

I am so sorry you have to endure this pain. I read your blog faithfully and keep up with your posts on The Nest. (although I was traveling this week-- so just catching up).
My heart aches for you and I pray that you soon find peace. My thougths are with you. (((hugs)))

Suzanne said...

We've never officially "met" on-line but I've been following your blog for a few weeks now. I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I hope that you find the answers and strength you need to continue on your journey.