Tuesday, April 8, 2008

And we're off with IVF#2...

Well, I began taking my Lupron shots again today. Yippee! The exclamation point is really more for you guys than it is for me. I feel anything but excited right now, but I'm moving through all the motions. I sooo wish more than anything I could feel as hopeful as I did before IVF#1 began, but I think I've lost the innocence to it all. I was so sure that we would be pg after that attempt. Looking back, I had a few red flags along the way, but I think my insane optimism just refused to think about them at the time. Please don't think I'm completely without hope, I do have it, but I am also very guarded this time and more realistic about the outcomes to IVF.

I went through cycle #1 with 18 IVF girls on the Nest. Of those, 7 did achieve that elusive BFP. But, 11 (including me) did not have success. Even though the odds were 50%, I swear in my crazy mind, they were 100%. So, I think this may help to explain why I feel so detached from all of this right now.

I'm sure when I start my stims and start seeing Dr. Awadalla again, I'll get more excited. But, I don't think my previous failure will ever really leave me. And maybe that's okay.

I'm really worried right now about my TTTC sister, Ann-Marie. To fill you in on the "sister" statement, the wonderful Nest message boards that I'm a part of decided to pair off people going through similar circumstances together. She and I began IVF#1 within a week of one another. I got a BFN, but she got a BFP. Her beta slowly rose and then took off somewhat, but she had problems with bleeding, etc. She just found out it was an ectopic pg. So unfair!! I wish I could be with her irl to give her a big hug. She's such a wonderful person. So, please don't pray for me tonight. Pray for her. She had an ecoptic last year as well and lost one of her fallopian tubes. I can't believe she's going through this again.

I wish there was a rule in this IF universe that I'm apparently a resident of: If you have to deal with IF and all of its trouble getting pregnant, then for goodness sake, you get to STAY pregnant. That's my wish!!


Beth & Brian said...

I agree 100% with your last statement about your IF wish! And I hope everything runs smoothly for you guys this time around. Keep us updated!

sarah23 said...

Hugs to your IF sister. That is really too bad about her pregnancy.

I think I am going into this cycle with the statistics in my mind, but probably not in my heart. I know I will be really, really upset (and scared) if it doesn't work out. Our clinic claims that the BFP rate for women under 35 is about 60%... oh I hope I hope I can be part of that group!

Fingers and toes all crossed for both of us!

Kristen said...

My IF sister also had an ectopic pregnancy her first IVF whereas mine failed. IF is so unfair in SO many ways! I'm hoping #2 is the trick for you!!!! If so, then I think I might travel to Dr. A for my second IVF!!!

Jen said...

HUGS. Hugs to both you and her. It's very sweet of you to ask for prayers for her, and I certainly will.... but I'm still praying for you and a successful IVF for you too!
And I do agree... after IF if you get pregnant, you should CERTAINLY get to take home that baby!

M&M said...

I will pray for your friend--As well, I will pray for IVF to be successful this time! God will be with you! You just gotta believe and keep the faith!

Karen said...

It does seem so unfair that when you finally have success, you are still at risk for more problems. My heart goes out to your IF sister and all of my prayers to the both of you that you are blessed with your dream very soon!!! I also understand where you are coming from about having hope but still being guarded. I just had my third IUI (first medicated) on Sunday and I am definetly in a different frame of mind with this one as I was for the other two. I have been burned to many times by my ignorant hope that I know far too well how it can go!!! I wish you all the best and pray that this IVF cycle is the charm for you!

Emily said...

I feel like I could've written the first few paragraphs of your blog once again! The level of optimism and the feeling of hope is very, very different this time around...I love the last sentence too! Enjoy your Lupron my little yin deficient Ivfer! Hugs and prayers to you and your tttc sister!

Busted said...

Can I also vote for your IF wish?

I know how hard it can be to have hope - we will hope for you. Best of luck on IVF#2 sweetie.