Well, I began taking my Lupron shots again today. Yippee! The exclamation point is really more for you guys than it is for me. I feel anything but excited right now, but I'm moving through all the motions. I sooo wish more than anything I could feel as hopeful as I did before IVF#1 began, but I think I've lost the innocence to it all. I was so sure that we would be pg after that attempt. Looking back, I had a few red flags along the way, but I think my insane optimism just refused to think about them at the time. Please don't think I'm completely without hope, I do have it, but I am also very guarded this time and more realistic about the outcomes to IVF.
I went through cycle #1 with 18 IVF girls on the Nest. Of those, 7 did achieve that elusive BFP. But, 11 (including me) did not have success. Even though the odds were 50%, I swear in my crazy mind, they were 100%. So, I think this may help to explain why I feel so detached from all of this right now.
I'm sure when I start my stims and start seeing Dr. Awadalla again, I'll get more excited. But, I don't think my previous failure will ever really leave me. And maybe that's okay.
I'm really worried right now about my TTTC sister, Ann-Marie. To fill you in on the "sister" statement, the wonderful Nest message boards that I'm a part of decided to pair off people going through similar circumstances together. She and I began IVF#1 within a week of one another. I got a BFN, but she got a BFP. Her beta slowly rose and then took off somewhat, but she had problems with bleeding, etc. She just found out it was an ectopic pg. So unfair!! I wish I could be with her irl to give her a big hug. She's such a wonderful person. So, please don't pray for me tonight. Pray for her. She had an ecoptic last year as well and lost one of her fallopian tubes. I can't believe she's going through this again.
I wish there was a rule in this IF universe that I'm apparently a resident of: If you have to deal with IF and all of its trouble getting pregnant, then for goodness sake, you get to STAY pregnant. That's my wish!!
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