Can I change the title of my blog? I really liked the old version of me much better. I was fun, happy, out-going, extroverted, witty: a true Gemini. I'm not the person I used to be. Jill, Version 3.0, sucks. First of all, I am so bitter about almost everything. Secondly, I fear that I can't revert back to the old me. Like once version 3.0 was downloaded, the old 2.0 version can't be retrieved.
I don't recognize the person in the mirror staring back at me. I feel sad, but I LOOK sad, too. I've gained weight thanks to IF, and I really have no consistent motivation to do anything about it. I feel like I look at others and life in general really with a blank stare. I am numb to everything. I feel cheated. I feel that my optimism and hope are gone.
I remember being single when nearly every one of my friends met their husbands-to-be. I remember being so happy for each and every one of them. I accepted all of the comments such as "you're next" "it will happen" "you will find someone" and list goes on and on. As each of them bought their homes with their new husbands and began settling in to married life, I bought my own home and worked on my career all the while keeping the above thoughts in my mind. Then, some of them had their first child. Again, I was so happy for them. But, naturally I did wonder if any of that was ever going to come my way.
Obviously, I did meet and marry Steve and for that I'm truly happy and grateful. But, I thought that my hardship of finding a husband was my cross to bear. Why do I have to now also bear a cross of infertility? It isn't fair. Part of me thinks I will get my happy ending--I just have to have the faith and strength to get through this. But what if I don't? What if we can never have a biological child? I hate the way infertility makes me feel. I hate feeling bitter, sad, and jealous.
I hate trying to come up with new excuses as to why we aren't pg yet; in fact, I feel alienated when the topic comes up. Also, at times, I loathe the thought of leaving the house and having to listen to people engaging in mindless conversation. And, I'm in sales--so I have to hear and engage in mindless conversation daily! Finally, I resent people who get pg quickly. It bothers me when people say "We will be trying again in X Month for child #X" and they really aren't far off from their goals in my opinion when it happens for them. I hate feeling that they don't deserve it so easily.
Most of all, I fear that I'll never "be me" ever again. Even if I do get pg, I don't think this experience will ever leave me. I really hope that my true spirit returns and that I'll be able to operate on my "business as usual" mentality. And yes, for those of you reading: I know what clinical depression looks like and I realize I'm totally in the throws of it. But, I'm not sure if I can take anti-depressants while on IVF meds. I'm asking my doctor tomorrow. I know you aren't supposed to take any of them while pg. I thought returning to stims (hopefully tomorrow if all goes well) would lift my dark cloud, but I'm just not sure anymore. Sorry for the gloomy blog entry. I hope to be more positive in future posts.
Crispy Roasted Chickpeas
3 months ago