Sunday, April 20, 2008

Desperately Seeking Former Self

Can I change the title of my blog? I really liked the old version of me much better. I was fun, happy, out-going, extroverted, witty: a true Gemini. I'm not the person I used to be. Jill, Version 3.0, sucks. First of all, I am so bitter about almost everything. Secondly, I fear that I can't revert back to the old me. Like once version 3.0 was downloaded, the old 2.0 version can't be retrieved.

I don't recognize the person in the mirror staring back at me. I feel sad, but I LOOK sad, too. I've gained weight thanks to IF, and I really have no consistent motivation to do anything about it. I feel like I look at others and life in general really with a blank stare. I am numb to everything. I feel cheated. I feel that my optimism and hope are gone.

I remember being single when nearly every one of my friends met their husbands-to-be. I remember being so happy for each and every one of them. I accepted all of the comments such as "you're next" "it will happen" "you will find someone" and list goes on and on. As each of them bought their homes with their new husbands and began settling in to married life, I bought my own home and worked on my career all the while keeping the above thoughts in my mind. Then, some of them had their first child. Again, I was so happy for them. But, naturally I did wonder if any of that was ever going to come my way.

Obviously, I did meet and marry Steve and for that I'm truly happy and grateful. But, I thought that my hardship of finding a husband was my cross to bear. Why do I have to now also bear a cross of infertility? It isn't fair. Part of me thinks I will get my happy ending--I just have to have the faith and strength to get through this. But what if I don't? What if we can never have a biological child? I hate the way infertility makes me feel. I hate feeling bitter, sad, and jealous.

I hate trying to come up with new excuses as to why we aren't pg yet; in fact, I feel alienated when the topic comes up. Also, at times, I loathe the thought of leaving the house and having to listen to people engaging in mindless conversation. And, I'm in sales--so I have to hear and engage in mindless conversation daily! Finally, I resent people who get pg quickly. It bothers me when people say "We will be trying again in X Month for child #X" and they really aren't far off from their goals in my opinion when it happens for them. I hate feeling that they don't deserve it so easily.

Most of all, I fear that I'll never "be me" ever again. Even if I do get pg, I don't think this experience will ever leave me. I really hope that my true spirit returns and that I'll be able to operate on my "business as usual" mentality. And yes, for those of you reading: I know what clinical depression looks like and I realize I'm totally in the throws of it. But, I'm not sure if I can take anti-depressants while on IVF meds. I'm asking my doctor tomorrow. I know you aren't supposed to take any of them while pg. I thought returning to stims (hopefully tomorrow if all goes well) would lift my dark cloud, but I'm just not sure anymore. Sorry for the gloomy blog entry. I hope to be more positive in future posts.


~Jess said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know exactly what you mean though: Reading your post was like hearing my exact thoughts and fears.
Hopefully it gets better for you *hugs*

Jen said...

Please don't feel badly for feeling the way you do. It's totally normal for those going through IF to be sad, depressed even. But I don't think of it so much as depression as grieving. It's such a hard, long, lonely road. You have every right to feel like you are in the throws of grief, because you are.
That said, I am so sorry you are feeling that way. I know how hard it can be. HUGS to you.

Emily said...

No apologizing! Everything you are feeling is totally normal and kudos to you for recognizing and acknowledging your feelings. Though you may never be the same Jill again, you will be happy and hopeful and optimistic again. And you will be stronger and braver and maybe even more compassionate when this is all over. I am sorry you are having a tough time right now. I am here when you need me...HUGS

Wendy said...

I'm sorry all this has been so hard on you. No one deserves this. I hope you are able to talk to your doctor tomorrow about your depression as well as starting stims.

I hope things start to get better for you. You can always email me if you need to "talk."

Wendy from the Nest

The Wright's said...

Don't apologize for the way that you're feeling. You have every right to feel the way that you do AND, truly, I don't think that you have much power over how you feel.

I am in the same exact boat, so I (along with a ton of other girls, I'm sure) can relate. I've said that I think IF has stripped me of my normal carefree and cheerful nature. It sucks.

The one thing that I find strength in is knowing that when I have children, they will never question that they were wanted so much and that they are a dream come true for DH and I. (Hence the blog name.) Anyway, hang in there and keep your chin up. I'm sorry you're so down.

sarah23 said...

I'm so sorry to read that you are feeling down. I know exactly what you mean about feeling a bit left behind as your friends get married and have kids. I actually didn't meet S until just after I turned 30, and wasn't married until almost 32. I really do think that our times will come, though.

I do still have a few single friends, and I wonder how they must feel. Their biological clocks are ticking, too, and I doubt that they have any idea about they pain that IF can cause. I am letting some of my closest friends know about our situation, and it feels good to be able to talk about it.

How is your current cycle going, by the way?

sarah23 said...

BTW, I forgot to say... I saw Juno last night. Did you name your blog after a line it that movie?: "Desperately Seeking Spawn." As soon as the character said that line, I turned to S and said, "Hey, someone named their blog that!"

Who Needs Patience? said...

Just wanted to say, I completely know how you feel. I have the same fears and it's so hard sometimes. I'm so sorry you are having a bad day....((((BIG HUGS)))))

Karen said...

Wow, are you my long lost twin? I agree with you on this post on so many levels and can relate on everything you have said. I was one of the last to marry and now one of the last to have kids. We feel left out, not a part of the group. Prayers and positive thoughts coming your way, it will get better, and just like your husband, will be worth the wait.

nestie karenandjeff

M. said...

You are so completely normal-- everything you're feeling is totally normal. I'm just sorry you're sad. When I read what you wrote, I thought about this poem I read recently. I'm going to try to find it and post part of it for you. I just started trying to recap it for you, but the woman who said it first said it best. I'll find it and come back with it :)

jac said...

All I have to say is this is everything I wish I could write. I am totally in a funk, I hate the person in the mirror that stars back at me and I just want to be happy and carefree again. IF sucks!

Pink said...

Hi! Just found your blog. I am on Stim day 5 on my first IVF. Wish me luck! Good luck to you too!

malarney5 said...

I wish I had a magic wand I could wave to fix all of this for you. I'm so sorry you are having to go through so much and that it is all so difficult. I still feel confident some happy news is coming your way.
We Malarneys are sending our love and prayers....Take care....

Jen said...

awe, Jill, I am so sorry you feel like this. I feel like you are reading my mind, as I have been experiencing the same feelings of depression.
I really believe that we have strength in numbers. While it may not stop the awful feelings, at least you know you are not alone, and what you are feeling is perfectly normal. You are entitled - you never have to apologize!

M. said...

Jill, here it is. Not technically a poem, and you may have read it on the nest when it was originally posted. But it helped me :)

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

"While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

JGirl2005 said...

I felt the same way. Told my DH yesterday - that it takes me awhile to do things - I got married at 32 after many of my friends finished having children.
I didn't think IF would be another cross to bear as you also state.
Why can't things be easy for some of us - who have suffered so much already.

sarah23 said...

What is going on with you for the last few days? I hope things are going OK there. Thanks for checking in with me on my blog.