Thankful post

So, I have a friend who regularly writes down 5 things for which she is thankful in her blog. I think it's a wonderful idea. So, I thought I'd jot down some things that I'm thankful for today.

1) Steve-You've always maintained hope throughout all of our journey to baby, even when I lost my hope.
2) Mom-You are my rock, and my best friend. Thanks for always being here for both of us. We couldn't do it without you. We love you!!
3) Dad & Carolyn-I really appreciate your concern and your constant love and support. :-)
4) The rest of mine and Steve's family and all of our friends-thanks for all your prayers and support!
5) Sonny & Cher-You guys cheer Mommy up, even on the worst days. Thanks for being the sweetest puppy and kitty duo in the world!!

My new sales manager...

ROCKS! He worked with me for the first time today and I gotta say, I really like him! He is a great salesman and can easily speak with customers about anything, but he also is HILARIOUS!!! I can't remember having this much fun with a manager during the course of sales day. My face still hurts from LMAO all day!!

I loved my old manager, so I've been apprehensive about the new guy. So glad things went well!

Stim check

I think I had a pretty good stim check today. I had ~5 follies on the left and ~5 on the right side with all of them measuring between 6-8mm. But my disclaimer is: how the hell does Dr. A know for sure after only spending 15 seconds on the U/S which he billed as intermediate? Anyway, moving beyond irritation with doctor: E2=223 and LH =1.3. Not bad!

I didn't post these on the blog last Monday, but my CD3 baseline levels were E2=56 and LH=2.7. So, I guess I'm doing okay after 4 days of stims. I have another stim check on Friday morning. I was told to continue my low dose of 150IU of Follistim. I'm hoping my "slow and steady" mantra works to my advantage this time. On my last IVF cycle my first stim check had my E2=727 which was way too high, so I hope this is a slower response is a good sign. :-)

Potential date for ER: Tuesday (May 6th). Will know more at stim check on Friday...

Hey Blogosphere!

First of all, I've gotta say that all of my blog readers are the sweetest folks in the world. I've read each of your comments from my sad posts below and I just wanted to thank each of you for your kindness. I really appreciate all of your support. I apologize for being MIA for the past several days. I've been ridiculously busy, but that hasn't been necessarily a bad thing. I'm in better spirits and dealing with things a little better.

Well, I'm on Day 4 of stims and still feeling pretty good. I have my first stim check tomorrow morning, so hoping for great numbers. Slow and steady is my mantra this time.

What have I been up to? Well, this past Monday I got pissed off (again) at my RE's office for not starting me on my stims when I wanted to be (and should have been on CD3) started on Monday. They wanted me to wait until Thursday so that I could "fit" into their schedule. Nice. Whatever. Nothing I could do other than quit IVF at this point and after 2 weeks of Lupron shots, bruising, night sweats and hot flashes, umm..no way...everything I've put my body through would be in vain. So, thanks to my dear friends (Emily and Christi), I stayed the course (P.S. I love you girls!!). I did start stims on Thursday as I was told and again have my first stim check tomorrow.

I went to Dallas on a business meeting on Thursday and Friday. I had a horrible experience getting out of DFW on Friday and was 4 hours late getting home Friday night. ARGH! Acupuncture yesterday was great. I'm officially a believer after she cured me of my absent AF last week. I started 5 hours after going thanks to her "down pressure" she placed upon my ovaries and uterus last week.

Finally, my bf (Stephanie) had baby boy #2 (Trevor James) on Thursday and since I didn't make it home until late Friday, my Mom and I were able to go visit them yesterday after they made it home from the hospital. He is downright beautiful! He looks a lot like big brother. But, I'm including a pic of Stephanie and Trevor because she rarely is in pics and I think she is beautiful. :-) P.S. Her blog is entitled "The Gilford Family" over to the left side if you want to check out more adorable baby Trevor pics and always adorable Jordan (2-year-old) pics....

Desperately Seeking Former Self

Can I change the title of my blog? I really liked the old version of me much better. I was fun, happy, out-going, extroverted, witty: a true Gemini. I'm not the person I used to be. Jill, Version 3.0, sucks. First of all, I am so bitter about almost everything. Secondly, I fear that I can't revert back to the old me. Like once version 3.0 was downloaded, the old 2.0 version can't be retrieved.

I don't recognize the person in the mirror staring back at me. I feel sad, but I LOOK sad, too. I've gained weight thanks to IF, and I really have no consistent motivation to do anything about it. I feel like I look at others and life in general really with a blank stare. I am numb to everything. I feel cheated. I feel that my optimism and hope are gone.

I remember being single when nearly every one of my friends met their husbands-to-be. I remember being so happy for each and every one of them. I accepted all of the comments such as "you're next" "it will happen" "you will find someone" and list goes on and on. As each of them bought their homes with their new husbands and began settling in to married life, I bought my own home and worked on my career all the while keeping the above thoughts in my mind. Then, some of them had their first child. Again, I was so happy for them. But, naturally I did wonder if any of that was ever going to come my way.

Obviously, I did meet and marry Steve and for that I'm truly happy and grateful. But, I thought that my hardship of finding a husband was my cross to bear. Why do I have to now also bear a cross of infertility? It isn't fair. Part of me thinks I will get my happy ending--I just have to have the faith and strength to get through this. But what if I don't? What if we can never have a biological child? I hate the way infertility makes me feel. I hate feeling bitter, sad, and jealous.

I hate trying to come up with new excuses as to why we aren't pg yet; in fact, I feel alienated when the topic comes up. Also, at times, I loathe the thought of leaving the house and having to listen to people engaging in mindless conversation. And, I'm in sales--so I have to hear and engage in mindless conversation daily! Finally, I resent people who get pg quickly. It bothers me when people say "We will be trying again in X Month for child #X" and they really aren't far off from their goals in my opinion when it happens for them. I hate feeling that they don't deserve it so easily.

Most of all, I fear that I'll never "be me" ever again. Even if I do get pg, I don't think this experience will ever leave me. I really hope that my true spirit returns and that I'll be able to operate on my "business as usual" mentality. And yes, for those of you reading: I know what clinical depression looks like and I realize I'm totally in the throws of it. But, I'm not sure if I can take anti-depressants while on IVF meds. I'm asking my doctor tomorrow. I know you aren't supposed to take any of them while pg. I thought returning to stims (hopefully tomorrow if all goes well) would lift my dark cloud, but I'm just not sure anymore. Sorry for the gloomy blog entry. I hope to be more positive in future posts.

Wow--I'm really busy and I just realized it!

So as you all know we decided to give IVF#2 a shot (lol) now rather than wait until July/August because it seemed like we were just going to be too busy during May, June, and early July with vacations, etc. Well, I don't really know how all of this happened, but I think I'm even busier now than I will be then. Here are just a few things that have been going on over the last week or two and what I will be doing over the next 3-4 weeks:

1) I have a new sales territory as of 4/1. Just a few adjustments, but a new territory with some new customers just the same.
2) I have a new sales manager and new regional manager also as of 4/1.
3) I am on an Advisory Board with work which requires me to travel to Dallas next week 4/24-25. I should be on stims at that time. I hope my stim check will be early on 4/24 in Cincy. I planned my flight out of there instead of Lexington, trying to plan ahead. Watch my stim check be 4/25 though. That IS the kind of luck I have.
4) I have 7 dinners out with customers planned over the next few weeks (some during stims/ER/ET/2ww, etc.) Yes, I'm an idiot AND an over-achiever.
5) IVF#2 and all of the appt juggling and ER/ET, etc. associated with it.
6) I have a critical new management Regional meeting 5/7-9 in Philadelphia. I should be finished will my ET by then, but I truly am scared to fly for fear that I'll somehow do something to cause implantation to not occur.
7) I am co-hosting a wedding shower for Steve's friend this Friday evening. His rehearsal is 5/9 and wedding on 5/10. Steve is the best man so it's not an option to blow it off. Yuck.
8) First Lexington RESOLVE group meeting was tonight and 2nd is in 4 weeks (which will be during my 2ww). P.S. I really enjoyed it!
9) I'll stop here: Mother's Day. While I adore my Mother, I can't bear the thought of another childless Mother's Day for me. I get really sad just thinking about it.

But, Steve did just ask me tonight about trying to squeeze in the Kentucky Derby which will be May 3. Let's see my ET should be May 2. Hmmm---NOOOO! I've got to learn to use the word a little better.

The good news is, I work really well under pressure at handling several major life events all at the same time. For instance, when we got engaged, I decided I wanted a Fall wedding which only left me 5 months to plan a 250+ wedding. I immediately put my house on the market, sold it, and moved in to Steve's house 1 month before the wedding. Oh yeah, I also quit my old job, started my current job, and went for training in Philly for 2 straight weeks 2 months before the wedding. We finally got married and went on our honeymoon 5 months later. Now, I did have to start taking Zoloft halfway through in order to deal with everything, but I survived and everything turned out just wonderful!

So, maybe this is the perfect storm all over again?? I really hope so!

Why Lupron bites...

Well, I've got 5 doses of Lupron down today. The side effects are increasing just like they did last time. Here are the reasons Lupron stinks: 1) headaches (I've had dull ones for the past 3 days); 2) night sweats (I've been waking up over the last couple of nights burning up with my hair being sweaty underneath (pleasant, right?); and 3) b&b (I'm making up an abbreviation here: bleeding and bruising: nice). So what is the purpose of Lupron? It is used to decrease levels of LH, FSH, and Estrogen in order to prep the body to be ready to be stimulated with hormones better. So, it induces a menopausal-like state. A little fact medical fact some of you may or may not be aware of: Lupron was originally designed for and is still used in prostate cancer. Lupron also reduces the hormone testosterone just as it does the hormones I mentioned above. Testosterone promotes the growth of prostate cancer, so Lupron slows the cancer growth!

Yeah, Lupron bites. So I ask: where is the help from those Chinese herbs I briefly took last week?? I have at least the same if not more side effects from Lupron for IVF#2. I had acupuncture yesterday. I am still skeptical. I had a horrible muscle spasm in my left neck and shoulder area when I arrived at my appt (must've slept weird). Anyway, she used needles and some Chinese spoon technique to ease the tension. While it might have felt better while I was there (umm, placebo effect?), it returned pretty quickly after I left the building. Today, I have the worst bruising you can imagine on my back. Steve is so unhappy about it--all he can do is keep asking me why I'm subjecting myself to the needles and now apparently abuse. Booo!

In other news: The 2008 rankings for Worst Cities for Allergies this Spring were published yesterday. Number 1 allergy offender? Lexington, KY! No wonder I feel congested all of the time! As I get older, it's gets worse. I never had allergy problems until just a couple of years ago. Now I know why! Apparently, Lexington ranked #52 last year on the same report. What the heck is going on around here??