What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, right?

I sure hope so...

Been another rough week. Was in the hospital from Mon-Wed with pre-term labor. Only about 1 cm dilated and cervix is still pretty thick at 3cm, but still having lots and lots of contractions, some of which are now painful. I got my steroids on this trip to the hospital and got lucky in that I didn't have to get Mag Sulfate! Only increased my Procardia dose from 10 to 20mg and the contractions began to improve.

There are consequences of course to this new dose: LOTS of swelling and shortness of breath. I can't really speak normally anymore, can only whisper. But the real story is the swelling. OMG. From my hips down to my toes, I'm at least 3 times my normal size. I can't walk really, just kinda shuffle along since I can't bend my feet and lost my ankles a few weeks ago. My knees don't bend either, which makes going to the bathroom every hour definitely more tedious. I kept showing my swollen legs and feet to docs and nurses in the hospital and none seemed to be overly concerned. Hmm...I guess I could chalk it up to my new Procardia dose of 20mg. Just not sure this is normal to me. And, not that I can see the lower ankle area, but my Mom and Aunt said that my bottom feet were turning a little bluish gray color, obviously indicating poor circulation. Just trying to figure out if this is normal or abnormal! Go back in am for another OB appt.

Boys are still growing well. Luke measures in at 4lbs 4 oz and Harry measures in at 4 lbs 13 oz. Yay! They are the only reason I'm hanging in there. I know that sounds like a "duh" statement, but seriously, I don't think I could be doing any of this if it were for myself. I am miserable! If it were me, I would've gone to a dr and said "fix me" several weeks ago! But keeping them at the forefront, I keep thinking I can hang in there for a short period of time. I would like both to be weighing in at 5 lbs, so that should be around 34 weeks. That's 10 more days. That's my goal. Anything beyond that is great, but that's all I think I can do. I'm looking at my poll results thus far and realize that you all have a lot more faith in me than I do in myself! I'm relying on my faith and hope to get me through, but my goodness it's hard!

Thanks for all your kind and sweet remarks on the below post. You all are the best. Trying to get caught back up on your blogs soon!

"I will survive"

Well, today marks another milestone day: 32 weeks! It also kicks off my new "I will survive" campaign. I hope I can make it all the way to term (37 weeks) for the babies sake. But for me, I'm pretty miserable right now. I can't imagine 5 more weeks! Please no mean comments! I know that probably sounds bad and sounds as if I am putting myself before my boys. But, I swear, I am really running out of steam and definitely not enjoying being pg anymore. I am totally grateful to be pg with these boys and to have come through all we have to get here, but my body just wasn't designed to carry this much weight and two babies. I truly believe that!

For those of you asking on my last post, I'm on modified bedrest and have been for the last couple of weeks. I limit my trips up and down the steps to a few times a day for meals. But, I have my little portable refrigerator plugged up in my bedroom so that I don't have to walk downstairs for snacks, etc anymore. So, where does it hurt? Well, I hurt all the time from bad round ligament pain. I can't get comfortable to go to sleep for very long at night or even naps during the day because of this unrelenting abdominal pain. And this is normal. Okay...

Then, my back aches are just downright disabling. I can't walk upright sometimes. If I could have a strong fist (or tennis ball) at all times in my right shoulder blade, that would be really helpful. I've been told by my doctors that a massage can trigger pre-term labor with me, so those are out. But I will defy them and definitely have another massage again around 36 weeks if I make it that far (which despite all of my above complaints, I still hope to be pg by then). And my knees really hurt too. I guess it's just from too much weight to carry around.

So how big am I? Take a look for yourself, 32 week belly pic...



Let see, there's also the constipation factor. It is HORRIBLE, but I guess I'm lucky since I've had no hemorrhoids so far. And then there is the swollen leg, feet and ankles. I don't fit into shoes anymore (although I have 1 pair of flip flops I cram them into for drs appts). Also, my hands are swollen and I think I've developed carpal tunnel syndrome since I have lots of pain with my right hand especially. My understanding is the swelling causes nerve compression and pain, which leads to carpal tunnel. I guess this is sort of a good excuse for not posting as often as I should (just kidding!). Lucky for me, there's not a lot to do, so I take naps whenever I want during the day! Trying to do what everyone says and rest up before they get here! But, the swelling isn't reduced with rest or elevation. I don't appear to have pre-eclampsia for now (yay!), but they're watching me closely for it.

I'm actually really enjoying bedrest. Haven't missed work at all. Haha. I have a little "project of the day" and set out to accomplish it, whatever it may be. It's nice to get things checked off the to-do list! I haven't turned on any daytime TV yet and hope I don't! I can see myself getting sucked into those soap operas, talk shows, etc. I feel productive this way and so far haven't even thought about TV.

Finally, here are last weeks u/s pictures of my chubby cheeks baby, Harrison. It doesn't appear he's been skipping out on too many meals (little sugar baby)! I love the first one with him yawning and his arms lifted up, how precious?!! Steve told the ultrasonographer how we never got a good 3D pic of Harry. So, she spent a little extra time and took pictures, while he was lying transverse under my ribs. Lucas was in his normal cramped position, head down facing my back, so no pics of him. But we get to see/meet them very soon!!

"I gots da suga"

I'm quoting my husband on this one. Background story: Christmas 2008 my Dad's side of our family rented a great lake house to spend the holiday season. We played some games, one of which included a game I can't honestly remember the name of, but it was lots of fun. We played on 2 teams of 4 people and you passed around a little screen that displayed a word. The goal was to guess the word as fast as possible and pass the little screen on to the person sitting next to you of the opposing team. Anyway, Steve got the word "diabetes" on the screen. All he said in his description was "I gots da suga" and sadly, we guessed diabetes instantly. Being that we live in Kentucky, there are lots and lots of people with "the suga."

I failed my 3 hour glucose tolerance test last week and therefore was informed I do indeed have gestational diabetes. I was stunned as I only failed the first test (glucose challenge) by 1 point. I guess I already knew I was at a higher risk since I had the following risk factors: 1) I have PCOS and was on Metformin last year; 2) I'm pg with multiples; and 3) have a family history with my Dad and Grandma. Yes, I did eat some extra ice cream during the pg, and I have craved carbs moreso than usual. Then, of course I had the cardinal signs-frequent urination, frequent thirst, frequent hunger, and fatigue. But I am pregnant, so all of these things seemed normal, right?

But, it would seem I do indeed have diabetes. I check my glucose 4 times a day (fasting in morning, and then 2 hours after every meal). I watch what I eat, when I eat, and most importantly what foods I eat together. I learned all of this after my extensive diabetes nurse educator and nutritionist consults in the hospital earlier this week.

That's right: 2nd trip to L&D is in the bag. How did that happen? Well, it was what you might call a series of unfortunate events. I went in for an unscheduled visit on Monday due to some bad cramping and lower abdominal pain (which after all I went through over my 3 hour office visit, we never found the cause). It was my OB's surgery day, so I had to see an ARNP as all the other physicians schedules were filled with their own patients. I will admit that I kinda lost it when delivered the gestational diabetes news. I cried and let my hormones get the best of me. I am pregnant afer all. Then the ARNP decided I needed to have my cervix checked to ensure I wasn't dilating or softening. I will tell all of you, this hurts like hell. Really. I read lots of blogs and don't recall anyone ever complaining about this pain. So, this warning is for the rest of you behind me. It sucks. But, at least I wasn't dilated or effacing.

So, I'm still crying from my diabetes diagnosis and now my body feels completely violated (again), then the ARNP declares I'm getting a non-stress test (NST). Um, that sounds like a good idea. I'm totally stressed out and crying, so let's do a stress test. After she hooked up me and the boys, my contractions were coming regularly every 5 mins and Luke was in distress with HRs in the 170s (he is normally in the 140s). She consults with another OB and then the OB comes in to tell me I'm not heading home after todays appt. And she wants to get aggressive: admit me to the hospital, give me Mag and steroids to help the babies lungs develop. I suggested a more conservative approach: try taking my Procardia and just see if the ctx went away with that first.

After being admitted to the hospital, my ctx had increased to every 3-4 mins. However, the Procardia started kicking in and that spaced out the ctx to every 7-8 mins. They administered a shot of terbutaline (even though I'm slightly allergic with rash, itch, etc) and it got them under better control. By morning I was having about 3-4 ctx an hour, which isn't too bad given our state of affairs. I should say that I wouldn't have argued against the Mag (ie, "flu in a bag") and steroids if I clinically needed it, but happy my approach worked in the end. Upon discharge, my OB did say that I would get both at my next admission. Hmm...seems like she knows there will be another L&D admission before we deliver...Actually, I totally expect it too, just a matter of when.

Growth scans of the babies revealed that Lucas weighs 3 lbs 6 oz and Harrison weighs 3 lbs 13 oz. They are big boys. So, thanks to my new diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes, I have new nicknames for all of us: I'm just a Sugar Momma totally in love with her Sugar Babies. :-) I loved Sugar Babies candy when I was little, so seems fitting. Cervix is measuring around 3.7cm these days, but is still closed with no signs of dilation or effacing. Finally, was discharged to home after my diabetes teaching.

Follow up appt yesterday went well overall I suppose. Both babies doing well, Momma is okay for now. However, my swelling/pitting edema has gotten really bad, I've gained 2lbs in just a few days, I'm having some visual changes, and lastly my normally low (100/60 or less) bp has risen to (124/80). And keep in mind I'm on Procardia every 4 hours which actually is decreaing my bp! So, they are going to be keeping a careful eye on me next week in hopes that some of these signs of pre-eclampsia go away. I really hope they do as it can be a scary condition.

Letter to my sons

Boys,

Today is Mommy's birthday. And you don't know it, but for many years my birthday wishes have been for you to come into my life. Every wish made and every tear shed seem to be more of a distant memory with each passing day. My precious, sweet, innocent sons-quite simply: I can't wait to meet you.

Even though I haven't held you yet in my arms, you've held a place in my heart long before you were ever conceived. I've prayed for you, cried for you, and have gone through a lot of heartache to have you. But, I can tell you that it was all worth it. Through everything, I never lost sight of you, never lost hope that I would one day meet you, and you gave me the strength I needed to persevere. Every time I see your little hands and feet, and hear your perfect beating hearts on ultrasounds, I smile. You make me so happy.

I remember the day (Dec. 3, 2008) when I found out I was pregnant with you. That will be one of the best days of my life! What a surprise to know it had finally happened! And then another beautiful day was the day I discovered you both made it and were nestled away inside Mommy's belly-the day of our first ultrasound (Dec. 26, 2008). Daddy and I saw the screen and both immediately knew we were pregnant with twins before the Doctor ever told us. We were so happy-best Day after Christmas present ever!

As you continue to grow in my belly, I am thankful for each additional day you stay inside me and grow. I first felt you kick when I was 18 weeks pregnant, but Daddy couldn't feel you for a few more weeks on the outside of my belly. He loves you both very much as well. I have loved watching you grow every two weeks. You are going to be such big, strong boys! I still enjoy to feel every kick and every movement you make inside me. And you should know that the love both Daddy and I feel for you grows each and every day.

I have had a great pregnancy thanks to you both. I haven't been sick the first day and have generally felt good this whole time. You are the sweetest children for helping Mommy to have a relatively easy pregnancy. I can only pray that you'll continue to help me to have a good pregnancy by not trying to enter this world too early. I need you to stay put for a little less than 2 months. I want more than anything to have you both big and healthy at delivery so that we can take you home with us when I leave the hospital.

I love singing to you, playing songs for you, patting you through my belly and reading to you. I hope you will recognize some of the songs I sing and some of the books I read when we are in your nursery together. I apologize for crying every time I read you "Guess How Much I Love You," but it pretty much sums up how I feel about you.

You make me want to be a better person. I find myself thinking of ways I need to change to be the Mother you deserve. I want to be the best Mommy in the world to you both. I know I will make lots of mistakes along the way, but no matter what, I love you more than anything. I've never known such a powerful, unconditional love before. You will always have Mommy's heart, so please be gentle with it and take care of it.

I want you to know that you can come to me with any problem you may encounter along your life's journey. And even though I know that I won't be able to fix everything for you, I will give you my love and support. You'll teach me probably more about life than I will ever be able to teach you.

You are coming into this world with lots of people loving you so, so much. But, I'm pretty sure no one could ever love you as much as your Mommy does. So, remember, you still have to be Mommy's little boys! Know this-I have loved you forever and will love you forever. I promise to always be there for you and no matter where you may go, I never will be far away (and hopefully will always be in your hearts, as you will always be in mine).

~Mommy

28 Weeks and definitely counting!

Well, my OB appt. went pretty well this week. Cervix is still closed and long at 4.6cm, so no signs of pre-term labor. The boys seemed to look just fine on the u/s. My OB wants to start seeing me weekly now, so the next appt is on Tuesday (which happens to be my birthday!). I also had my gestational diabetes testing this week. So down went the glucose drink, that I must admit tasted like a sweet Orange Crush. Since it was cold, I just treated it like a shot of alcohol and had it down in no time. It seriously took me less than a minute (lol). Anyway, haven't heard from them yet, so maybe that's a good sign? I really hope it came back okay so I can still enjoy my carbs. I sure do love me some ice cream...

I am still dealing with the pre-term contractions, but haven't had to go back to L&D. The terbutaline was taking care of them pretty well. However, I developed an allergic reaction to it (rash, itching, swelling-yuck), so I'm not taking it anymore. My OB wrote for Procardia as needed for the contractions. I have filled it, but haven't used it yet. She claims that while both drugs worked great for pre-term contractions, there haven't been any large conclusive studies that they actually prevent pre-term labor. Therefore, I'll be taking it only when absolutely necessary to get the contractions under control.

From Baby Center this week: "By this week, your baby weighs two and a quarter pounds (like a Chinese cabbage) and measures 14.8 inches from the top of his head to his heels. He can blink his eyes, which now sport lashes. With his eyesight developing, he may be able to see the light that filters in through your womb. He's also developing billions of neurons in his brain and adding more body fat in preparation for life in the outside world." I think my boys weigh closer to 3lbs each however, based on their growth patterns!

I don't think I've got too much more in me as it relates to work. I'm so short of breath, just talking to customers wears me out! And as usual, my back KILLS me. So, my days are definitely numbered. Can't wait for a break!

Looks like we made it: 3rd trimester!!

I've got the line now to that Barry Manilow song in my mind, but we are nearly there-3rd trimester begins on Sunday when I'll be 28 weeks!! Woohoo! Have got lots of updates, so bear with me for a long post.

First of all, the much promised nursery pics. I'll present them in kinda a 360 view format. We need to get the valances hung, but have them and the rods available, so that shouldn't take long. And I'll need to get some wall art, but other than that, we are finished! So here they are...oh and notice my Petunia Pickle Bottom diaper bag somehow makes a cameo appearance on top of the changing pad.

I just love the nursery. Everything feels so new, fresh, and untainted. Just like my sweet baby boys are! I slept in the recliner about a week ago when my acid reflux was so bad I couldn't lay down and that seemed to be the only solution. I predict that will occur again sometime over the next 9 weeks.

Next, have thoroughly enjoyed my baby showers, but have no pictures to produce of them. I forgot my camera every time, so I have to rely upon others to send me their pictures. If any of you are reading this, please hear my plea and send pics. Otherwise, y'all will just have to settle for my words which are that they were so fun! My first one was hosted by my Aunt Vicky and Cousin Molly (and Mom had lots to do with it as well). It was just great seeing everyone from my home town and getting to visit with my family and friends for a bit. We received our Graco DuoGlider Tandem stroller and both Graco Snugride car seats along with 2 extra bases and lots of other great stuff too!

Great weekend with Mothers Day on Sunday, but it did spark a lot of overdoing it which led me to finally identify that I was indeed having contractions. I had been having the muscle flexing sensation infrequently for a few of weeks, but hadn't figured out they were contractions! Anyway, I had 5 for the first hour and slowed down to 4 or less after I drank a lot of water and put my feet up to rest. But, this started something I'll discuss in more detail later.

Second baby shower was hosted by my SIL, Connie, and BF, Stephanie. It included local friends and family. It was great as well! And my nieces, Lauren (14) and Emma (12), got involved and planned the shower games. It was so sweet of them! Such a beautiful shower and the cake was delicious! Steve's Aunt owns a pie shop in town and makes the BEST pies and cakes. She made my shower cake and I swear it was the best I've ever had! Mouth-watering delicious!! We got lots of much needed stuff, including our PNP/Twin Bassinet, Exersaucer and tons of other awesome stuff. Thanks to all for the fantastic gifts!

Finally, my work colleagues threw a little baby shower for me and another friend/co-worker, who is due at the same time as me, yesterday. Loved it! Got my above mentioned PPB diaper bag, FP Rainforest swing, Halo SleepSacks, Avent bottles and a BRU gift card! Such fun and so thoughtful of all of them!

Since I don't have shower pics, I'll post some belly pics. One with the belly "hidden" under clothes and the other with the belly just hanging out!

Had a good peri appt last week. Luke weighed 2lbs3oz and Harry weighed 2lbs5oz. My cervix was still long at 3.9cm and showed no signs of opening. Because of this, the peri wasn't overly concerned about the BH contractions I've been having, but did tell me to watch to see if they became regular and exceed 5 in an hour. Luke's heartrate was 147 and Harry's was 137; Luke was still vertex and Harry still breech.

Fast forward a few days, to this past Tuesday. Worked a normal work day for me, which includes lots of driving, walking, and standing. I did have several contractions throughout the day but hadn't really been counting them well. At the end of the day, I decided to head over to BRU to exchange some outfits that didn't work and get some necessities like crib sheets and onesies. I think that was the tip of the iceberg for me. Starting having many contractions and decided I needed to go home, rest, drink water and count properly. After doing this, I was timing 6 contractions at regular 10 minute intervals. I called my OB the second hour when I'd hit 5 regular ones and they didn't seem to be fading. I was promptly told to head into L&D.

I can now check the first trip to L&D off my list of things to do. My nurse was super nice, which made the experience better. Contractions did not decrease after being admitted, so she gave me my first dose of terbutaline. It worked! Finally got to zero contractions early Wednesday morning, so we were discharged. Followed up with OB later and she gave me a prescription of it to take as needed. However, the drug really made me feel like crap, therefore I will only be taking it when absolutely necessary. Anyway, cervix is still great (actually measured 4.5cm again with no signs of funneling). Have another OB appt next Tuesday. That will be my testing date for GD, so please everyone say prayers that I pass. I love carbs. I really do.

The only good thing that came from all of this was an extended u/s at OB's office on Wed. My u/s tech was able to get some great 3D shots of my beautiful Baby Luke, so here they are. As you all know, I'm an equal opportunity Mommy (EOM), so it pains me to have no photos of Baby Harry (he was facing inward, so all we saw were his back and legs), but I tell him he's beautiful all the time and give him some extra Mommy love pats.

One last thing, Steve and I established the boys first names early on (I think week 8 or something crazy like that). But, we still haven't reached an agreement on our middle names. A little background to some of the names-Paul is my Dad's first name, Lee is my Mom's middle name, Edgar is Steve's Dad's middle name, Steve's first name is Stephen (as is my brother's), and Edward is a name that holds a special place in my heart and mind and those of you who know me well know why. So it's poll time again! Cast your vote and let me know which names you prefer!!

Okay the last thing-for those AI fans out there, you may be sad to not be able to cast votes again until next season, so humor me and let me know your thoughts. Btw, I am a total Adam fan. So, I was disappointed. Kris seems like a really nice guy and has a good voice, but he just doesn't have the talent that Adam does. Adam will be a ROCK STAR. It's so good to see real talent come out of Idol. Kris is better than someone like Taylor Hicks for sure, but I don't feel he'll reach real stardom like only Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood have been able to do as past winners.

3D/4D U/S pics...

So we headed into a local pregnancy massage center to get our 3D/4D u/s yesterday. I was a little bummed that we didn't get better pictures, but oh well, we did get pictures! Luke was head down was his face towards my back and Harry was transverse with his big feet and and legs in front of his face! But as promised, here are some pics. I do think they look different, so again, pretty convinced we've got fraternals in there! Here is a pic of Baby Luke, who the u/s tech thinks looks like me, and with Harry's legs in his face (poor baby)...



And here is a pic of Baby Harry, who I think looks like Steve...



And finally, a pic of them looking at each other! I can't tell which one is which (bad Mommy!), but one is turned inward looking right and the other is turned inward looking left.



Thanks for checking out my boys!! Off to my baby shower later today, so will post nursery pics and shower pics soon! Happy Mother's Day to each of you out there. I feel that includes those still struggling with infertility, as I always felt I was a Mother in my heart before they were ever in my uterus. Love you all!

Why does time move so quickly?

I think I'm the world's worst blogger. Oh well. Something's gotta give, right? Anyway, I thought I'd at least put a post up with some updates. Above is a twin pic at 24 weeks from BabyCenter.

First of all, my biggest time sucker, work, has gotten the best of me the last couple of weeks. I'm just downright beat when I get home after driving. My back has really been bothering me A LOT over the last week, so I decided I at least needed a massage. Getting my first one since becoming pregnant this Friday (also same day as my 3D/4D u/s)!! Yippee! But, my OB also has helped matters. She put me on some travel restrictions that began last Thursday. I'm not supposed to be driving more than 60-90 minutes from home anymore. That's really good. My back began hurting last week when I did a 3 hour drive on Monday, followed with a 5 hour drive on Wednesday and finally, a 4 hour drive on Thursday. No wonder, huh? I think she would've been fine to leave the restrictions at 60 minutes, but I pushed the limit to 90 so that I could accommodate my Louisville customers.

Yes, I'm an overachieving idiot who feels too much obligation to help everyone else around me. Always have. Case in point: I was in group therapy one semester in college to work on some "stuff". At the end of the semester, everyone was talking about how much they had gained from the group. I couldn't (and incidentally none of the other group participants or leaders) come up with one thing I had actually worked on to help me. I spent the entire semester trying to help others get better without ever talking about myself or working on my own issues. That's who I am. I really hate that sometimes about me. Here I am: pregnant with twins. When do I start putting them first? I'm tired and you're getting a non-perky Jill writing this post.

Obviously, I had my 24 week OB appt. on Thursday based on above. Things went well. Boys are both doing well and my cervix still is cooperating. Luke is head down, but Harry is breech. No other changes to discuss and next appt. is with peri on May 14. Will get to experience the glucose challenge test at next OB appt. Can't wait for that one (lol). Crossing fingers that all goes well. Love carbs-fixed spaghetti for dinner earlier!

Biggest news: nursery is almost complete! Just have to hang valances and get some wall art and that's about it! We were able to move quickly with the nursery after I changed my mind and decided against hardwood and got new carpet laid instead. I realize hardwood would've looked better, but there was going to be a delay of a few weeks to get it installed and honestly, I was nearing a "nursery break down". Yes, I'm only 25 weeks, but I was having dreams and strong anxiety about babies arriving early with no room of their own. I realize some people wait until after the baby (don't know any twin Moms) is born to decorate nursery. I am not wired that way and need to accomplish things that are in my control while that's still possible, so I'm happy with my change of mind. So, first we got the walls painted and then we got the carpet removed and new carpet laid. Next, my chair was delivered from LaZBoy. Then, my Dad and Steve put the cribs together! My favorite moment of all-putting on the bedding (thanks for your help Carolyn!!). Finally, the changing table and chest of drawers were brought upstairs from the garage. Sorry for the play-by-play without pictures. Can you take pity on a tired pregnant lady and give me a few more days to download? I promise to do so, hopefully in next post.

Oh, other things we've done in the past week: got our home re-financed at a great new rate!, gathered items for a yard sale (thanks Mom and Vicky for your help in selling the items!), attended an out-of-town wedding, attended a parenting seminar (yes, I'm a little nutty, but it was a great topic about getting kids to explore the outside more often and basically what kinds of kids we're raising today with no outdoor playtime and exploration in nature), working on finalizing on new trust documents before the boys arrive, I got new manager at work who began last week, and finally (not so much me on this one) getting basement back in order after painters have completed their work. It looks great! Carpet getting cleaned this week so that I can put that project to rest! Lots of nesting going on in my home right now. Yay!!

A 25-week update from BabyCenter: "Head to heels, your baby now measures about 13 1/2 inches. His weight — a pound and a half — isn't much more than an average rutabaga, but he's beginning to exchange his long, lean look for some baby fat. As he does, his wrinkled skin will begin to smooth out and he'll start to look more and more like a newborn. He's also growing more hair — and if you could see it, you'd now be able to discern its color and texture."